Telling your kids about the divorce

01What you need

• A notecard with the words you and your co-parent agreed onHave
• A calendar showing which days are at which home, only if it's decidedHave
• Tissues and a glass of waterHave
• Something ordinary for afterward: a snack, a walk, a showHave

Where: A familiar room at home on a calm day, with nothing scheduled for the hour after.

02Steps

1. Plan it with your co-parent first

   Both of youA day or two before, agree on when, where and the exact words. Try: "Can we tell the kids together on Saturday morning? I'd like us both to say it's a grown-up decision and that we both love them. Can we keep reasons and blame out of it?" Write the core lines on a notecard. If a joint talk isn't possible or isn't safe, use the same words on your own.

2. Pick a calm time with room after

   YouChoose a quiet day at home, not right before school, bedtime, a birthday or a holiday. Tell all the kids together so no one has to keep a secret, then make time for each one alone afterward. If one of you is moving out, tell them a few weeks before if you can, not the night before.

3. Say the core message in two minutes

   Both of youSit at their level, phones away, calm voice. Say: "We've decided we're not going to live together anymore. This was a hard decision, and it was a grown-up decision. It is not because of anything you did, and it's not your job to fix it. We both love you, and that is never going to change." Then stop talking and let it land.

4. Tell them what changes and what stays

   Both of youKids mostly want to know about their own days. Say only what's decided: "You'll have two homes. You'll still go to the same school. The dog stays with you." If it isn't settled, say so: "We don't know yet. We'll tell you as soon as we do." Don't promise a schedule you haven't agreed on.

5. Answer the questions they won't ask

   Both of youMany kids worry it's their fault but never say it. Say it for them: "Some kids wonder if they did something to cause this. You didn't. Some kids think if they behave really well, we'll get back together. That's not how it works, and it's not your job." Then ask: "What questions do you have? You can ask now or any time." If they're angry, sad, quiet or even relieved, say, "That makes sense."

6. End with something ordinary

   TogetherAfter 20 to 30 minutes, close it: "You can ask either of us anything, tonight, next week or next year." Then do something normal together: a snack, a walk, a show. Expect the questions to come back over the next weeks, often at bedtime or in the car. Answer them the same calm way each time.

03If it stalls

• If a kid asks why, say, "The reasons are between grown-ups. What I can tell you is that it's not because of you, and we both love you." Say it as many times as they ask.
• If your co-parent can't be there, use the same words and leave out blame: "Your mom and I have decided..." or "Your other parent and I..." Never "Because of your dad" or "Because of your mom."
• If they say nothing at all, that's fine. Say, "You don't have to talk now. I'll be right here." Check in alone the next day with a low-key question in the car or on a walk.
• If you start to cry, it's okay to say, "I'm sad too, and I'm going to be okay. You don't have to take care of me."

04Variations

05Sources

• What to say, together, and what to leave out. AAP says parents, ideally together, should give a clear, simple, calm message that the split was an adult decision and has nothing to do with the child, leave out messy details that could make kids think they caused it or must fix it, and give repeated chances to ask questions. Young kids need routines, extra affection and repeated reassurance; teens will likely want more detail. American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org) Checked Oct 15, 2026
• Talk early and often; keep reasons private. AAP advises talking with kids early and often, telling them it's not their fault and they can't fix it or keep parents together, not blaming the other parent, and not sharing the specifics of what caused the split unless the child already knows or there is a serious safety issue. It also says not to make the child the messenger or say things like "You are the man/woman in the family now." American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org) Checked Oct 15, 2026
• Present a plan together; give notice before a move. APA says it's often helpful for parents to come up with a plan and present it to the children together, keep communication open, and, if appropriate, give kids a few weeks' notice before a move or before one parent moves out. American Psychological Association Checked Oct 15, 2026
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. It's free, confidential and available 24/7 for anyone in emotional distress. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline Checked Oct 15, 2026