--- title: "A week of “when-then”: calm limits that stick" status: "Idea, not yet tested" published: "2026-10-15" updated: "2026-10-15" author: "Dad Field Manual editors (drafted with AI help)" time: "10 min a day" cost: "$0" ages: "2 to 8" where: "Wherever the daily sticking points happen: the front door, the bathroom sink, the toy bin, the TV." topics: ["discipline"] print: "https://dadfieldmanual.com/print?p=when-then-week" url: "https://dadfieldmanual.com/plans/when-then-week/" --- # A week of “when-then”: calm limits that stick > “When the shoes are on, then we go.” A when-then puts the order of things in plain words, with no threat and no yelling. Run it for one week on three daily sticking points and see which ones get easier. **Tested on:** not yet. When a dad tries this, his name, the date, the place, and the kids' ages will be added here. ## What you need - A sheet of paper for a week chart (have) - A pen (have) - Tape or a fridge magnet (have) ## Before you start - **No spanking and no yelling** to make a when-then stick. Calm and a little boring works better. - **Safety rules aren't when-thens.** Car seats, holding hands in the parking lot, the stove: those happen every time, no bargaining. - **Never make food, sleep or affection the “then.”** Use ordinary next things: going outside, the next game, screen time. - **If meltdowns seem very frequent or intense,** or you're worried about any behavior, talk with your pediatrician. ## Steps 1. **Pick three sticking points** (Dad) Think of three daily battles: shoes before leaving, teeth before stories, toys before screens. Write a when-then for each, where the “then” is something that happens next anyway. “When your shoes are on, then we go to the park.” Takes about ten minutes, once. 2. **Get close, then say it once** (Dad) Walk over, squat to their eye level, and get eye contact. Say it once, in a calm, ordinary voice: “When your shoes are on, then we'll go outside.” One direction at a time. Say what to do, not what to stop. 3. **Wait, and offer two choices** (Dad) Stay quiet for ten seconds. Don't repeat it. If they're stuck, offer two choices that both lead to yes: “Red shoes or blue shoes?” or “Do you want to do it, or should I help?” 4. **Follow through, both ways** (Dad) If they do it, the “then” happens right away, with specific praise: “You put your shoes on fast. Let's go.” If they don't, the “then” waits, calmly: “When the shoes are on, we'll go.” No new threats, no lecture. Sit down and wait with them. 5. **Same three, every day** (Dad) Use the same three when-thens, the same words, every day for seven days. Make a simple chart on the fridge and check each one that happened without you repeating yourself. A minute or two to fill in each night. 6. **Look back on day seven** (Together) Look at the chart together. “Shoes got really easy this week. Teeth are still hard.” Keep what's working, swap out one that's become easy for a new sticking point, and run another week. ## If it stalls - If they melt down when the “then” waits, stay calm and close and keep it boring. The limit stands; they don't need a speech. - If you hear yourself saying it three times, stop, get closer, and say it once more at eye level. Then wait. - If a when-then turns into “If you don't, then you'll lose...”, back up. When-then names the order of things. It isn't a threat. - If your co-parent or partner handles mornings, share the three sentences so the words are the same in both places. ## Variations - **Ages 2–3:** One when-then, not three. Keep it to a few words: “Shoes on, then outside.” Show them as you say it. - **Ages 4–5:** Three when-thens. Let them draw a picture for each on the chart and add the checkmarks themselves. - **Ages 6–8:** Ask them to help write the when-thens. “When homework's done, then you pick the show” works better when it's partly their idea. ## Sources - **Giving directions.** CDC advises giving one direction at a time, telling your child what to do rather than what to stop, offering two choices, getting close with eye contact (squatting to their level helps), following through with consequences each time, and praising your child when they listen. (checked 2026-10-15) - **Warnings and follow-through.** CDC's guidance says to state a warning only once, in a neutral tone, and to follow through every time if your child does not do as directed. (checked 2026-10-15) - **Calm limits, no spanking or yelling.** The AAP advises calmly and firmly explaining consequences, being prepared to follow through right away, and praising good behavior, and says parents should not spank, hit, yell at or shame a child. (checked 2026-10-15) - **Tantrums and when to ask.** The AAP says tantrums are a normal part of development, most common between ages 1 and 3, advises staying calm and offering small choices, and says to talk with your pediatrician if you're concerned about behaviors. (checked 2026-10-15)