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Dad Field Manual · Field card 56 · DisciplineIdea · not yet tested

Consequences that fit: logical, not harsh

Consequences picked in the heat of the moment tend to be too big, unrelated, or impossible to keep. Twenty minutes on a calm evening gets you fitting consequences for your three most common problems, decided in advance and said out loud before they're needed.

Time
20 min
Cost
$0
Ages
3 to 12
Where
Kitchen table, then wherever it happens

What you need

  • A sheet of paper and a pen
  • A high shelf or bin where taken-away things wait

Read this first

  • No spanking, hitting, yelling or shaming. The AAP says harsh physical and verbal punishment can damage a child's long-term physical and mental health.
  • Never take away what a child truly needs, like a meal. Use toys, privileges and screen time instead.
  • Natural consequences only when they're safe. Never let a kid learn from traffic, water, heat, medicine or anything that can really hurt them. Step in.
  • If you're too angry to pick a fair consequence, make sure your kid is safe and step away first. It can wait ten minutes.

Steps

  1. Know the two kinds. Natural consequences happen on their own. Logical ones you set, tied directly to what happened.
  2. List three repeat problems. Write down the three problems that happen most, and one consequence for each.
  3. Test each one. Check each one: related to the problem, calm to say, small enough that you'll really follow through.
  4. Tell them ahead, at a calm time. At a calm time, tell them each consequence ahead of time and ask them to say it back.
  5. When it happens, one calm sentence. Right away, say the reason in one calm sentence and follow through. Don't give it back early.
  6. Reset and point to the good. Afterward, go back to being warm, say what you want next time, and praise it when it happens.

If it stalls

  • If you blurt out a huge consequence in the moment, shrink it once you're calm: “I said a week. That was too much. It's tomorrow.” Then keep the smaller one.
  • If they shrug it off, don't escalate. Use the same small consequence, calmly, every single time.
Times I followed through calmly
Signed off: can do this.Signed by Date