The 15-minute couple check-in
With small kids, most couple talk is logistics. Once a week, talk about you two: what went well, what was hard, what you each need.
- Time
- 15 min
- Cost
- $0
- Ages
- Any age
- Where
- Couch, porch or a walk
What you need
- A timer set to 15 minutes
- The four questions below, on a card or in your phone notes
- A drawer or shelf for both phones
Before you start
- This isn't the weekly huddle. No calendar, chores or money. Those go to the weekly huddle.
- Not when the kids can hear, and not when either of you is exhausted. Move it rather than force it.
- One hard thing per week. Piling several sore spots into one talk leaves people confused and defensive.
- If you're afraid of your partner, skip this format. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or call 911 in danger.
Steps
- Set it once. Pick a weekly time and agree: hear each other out, no old complaints, either can call a break.
- What felt good. Each name one specific moment this week that felt good between you.
- One thing that was hard. Each name one hard thing with "I felt..."; the other repeats it back before answering.
- One thing you each need. Each ask for one small, specific thing that would help this week.
- One small plan together. Choose one small thing to do together this week and put it in both calendars.
- Stop on time. Stop at the timer, set a time for anything unfinished, and end with a thank-you.
If it stalls
- If it gets heated, take a fifteen-minute break: walk, breathe, then come back to the same topic. A timeout calms things down, but it doesn't settle them.
- If your partner is quiet, don't assume it's about you. Ask once, then let them answer next week.
Weeks in a row we checked in
Signed off: can do this.Signed by Date