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Dad Field Manual · Field card 111 · Discipline

They're having a hard time, not giving you one

In the middle of a meltdown it feels personal. It usually isn't. This plan gives you one sentence to say to yourself, and the order to do things in: you calm down first, then help them calm down, then fix the problem later.

Time
10 min
Cost
$0
Ages
2 to 10
Where
Wherever it happens

What you need

  • One sentence you've practiced: "They're having a hard time"
  • A snack and water in the car or bag, since hunger and tiredness set off a lot of meltdowns

Before you start

  • Safety first, feelings second. If they're running toward a street or about to get hurt, pick them up and hold them. Hitting, biting or throwing gets stopped right away.
  • No spanking or hitting, ever. The AAP says spanking often makes kids angrier and more aggressive.
  • If you're losing it, put your kid somewhere safe and take a few minutes to breathe. Try the 10-minute reset later that day.
  • If meltdowns worry you, because of how often, how long or how hard, talk with your pediatrician.

Steps

  1. Say the line to yourself. In your head: "They're not giving me a hard time. They're having a hard time."
  2. Steady yourself first. Pause. Three slow breaths, shoulders down. Get to their level.
  3. Make it safe. Move them or the hazard. Block hitting calmly: "I won't let you hit. I'm right here."
  4. Name the feeling, in few words. Name it in a few words: "You're really mad. You wanted the blue cup."
  5. Stay close and wait. Sit nearby, stop talking, ask before you touch, and breathe slowly where they can see.
  6. Solve it later, when everyone's calm. Reconnect first. Later, when calm, ask: "What could you do next time?"
  7. Look for the pattern. Note what came before: hungry, tired, rushed? Adjust snacks, sleep and timing.

If it stalls

  • If naming the feeling makes them angrier, stop talking and just stay close. Try words again after.
  • If it's in public, pick them up and walk outside or to the car. Ignore the stares. You're doing the right thing.
Times I breathed first
Signed off: can do this.Signed by Date