Repair after you lose your temper
Every parent loses it sometimes. What you do in the next ten minutes matters more than the yelling. Here's how to calm down, say sorry the right way, and show your kid how people fix a mistake.
- Time
- 10 min
- Cost
- $0
- Ages
- 3 and up
- Where
- Wherever it happened
What you need
- A room or porch to step away to
- A glass of water
Read this first
- Never hit, spank or shake a child. If you feel close to it, make sure your kid is safe, put a door between you, and step away until you're calm.
- The apology is for them. Don't ask your kid to comfort you or say it's okay. Talk your own feelings through with an adult later.
- If it's happening most days, or the anger is new, tell your doctor. In men, anger and irritability can be signs of depression, and depression is treatable.
- If you feel out of control or hopeless, call or text 988, any time. It's for emotional distress, not only for suicide.
Steps
- Stop and step away. Make sure your kid is safe, say you're taking a few minutes, and step away to calm down.
- Come back when your voice is normal. Come back once your voice is normal and get down to your kid's level.
- Apologize with no “but”. Say you're sorry for yelling and that staying calm is your job. Don't add a “but.”
- Name what they felt. Guess what they felt, let them correct you, and listen without arguing.
- Say what you'll do next time, and do it. Promise one specific thing you'll do next time you're that angry, then keep the promise.
- Reconnect, then deal with the problem. Reconnect with a hug or something small together, then calmly return to the original problem.
If it stalls
- If they're still mad at you, that's fair. Say, “That's okay. I'm here when you're ready,” and try again in an hour.
- If your teen rolls their eyes, say it anyway, short. They hear it even when they act like they don't.
Repairs made · promise kept?
Signed off: can do this.Signed by Date