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Dad Field Manual · Field card 42 · Co-ParentingIdea · not yet tested

Telling your kids about the divorce

The first conversation about a split is one your kids will remember. Plan it with your co-parent if you can, keep it short and calm, and walk away knowing they heard the three things that matter most: it's not their fault, it's not theirs to fix, and you both love them.

Time
30 min
Cost
$0
Ages
3 and up
Where
At home

What you need

  • A notecard with the words you and your co-parent agreed on
  • A calendar showing which days are at which home, only if it's decided
  • Tissues and a glass of water
  • Something ordinary for afterward: a snack, a walk, a show

Before you start

  • If anyone is in danger, safety comes first. If there's abuse, threats or violence at home, don't plan a joint talk. Get yourself and the kids safe, and call 911 in an emergency.
  • Kids are never messengers. Don't send a message to your co-parent through them, and don't ask them what goes on at the other house.
  • Keep adult details out. Reasons, money fights and who did what stay between the adults, unless your kid already knows or there's a real safety issue.
  • Crisis line. If your kid, or you, talks about not wanting to be alive, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. It's free and open 24/7.

Steps

  1. Plan it with your co-parent first. Agree with your co-parent on when, where and the exact words, and write them on a notecard.
  2. Pick a calm time with room after. Pick a quiet day at home with nothing after it; tell all the kids together, then each one alone.
  3. Say the core message in two minutes. Say it's a grown-up decision, it's not their fault or theirs to fix, and you both love them. Then stop.
  4. Tell them what changes and what stays. Say only what's decided about where they'll sleep, school and pets; say "we don't know yet" for the rest.
  5. Answer the questions they won't ask. Name the hidden worries out loud (their fault, getting you back together), then invite any question.
  6. End with something ordinary. Close with "ask us anything, any time," then do something normal together.

If it stalls

  • If a kid asks why, say, "The reasons are between grown-ups. What I can tell you is that it's not because of you, and we both love you." Say it as many times as they ask.
  • If your co-parent can't be there, use the same words and leave out blame: "Your mom and I have decided..." or "Your other parent and I..." Never "Because of your dad" or "Because of your mom."
Signed off: can do this.Signed by Date