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Dad Field Manual · Field card 96 · Co-Parenting

When your kid repeats something from the other house

"Mom says you never pay for anything." "At Dad's I can stay up till ten." Kids carry words between homes, and how you react teaches them whether it's safe to love both houses. Here are the words to use in the moment and what to do afterward, adult to adult.

Time
5 min in the moment
Cost
$0
Ages
3 and up
Where
Wherever it comes up

What you need

  • A few calm lines you've practiced, on a card or in your phone
  • Your phone, for a short message to your co-parent later
  • Your house rules, written down, three to five of them

Before you start

  • If your kid says something that sounds like abuse or neglect, stay calm, listen and don't quiz them. Call 911 if they're in danger now, or your local child protective services agency.
  • Kids are never messengers or reporters. Don't send replies back through them, and don't ask what goes on at the other house.
  • Crisis line. If your kid, or you, talks about not wanting to be alive, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time.

Steps

  1. Breathe before you answer. Take a breath, keep your voice even, and say "Thanks for telling me."
  2. Ask how they feel about it. Ask how it felt to hear, name the feeling, and don't ask who said what.
  3. Don't defend yourself or badmouth back. Don't argue or criticize back; say "That's a grown-up thing for Mom and me to sort out."
  4. Tell them they can love both homes. Say "You get to love both of us. You never have to pick a side."
  5. Answer "Mom lets me" with your rule, not a fight. Say "Different houses, different rules. Here, it's this," and talk to your co-parent later.
  6. Take adult issues to the adult. Later, message your co-parent about it briefly and calmly, kept to what the kid needs.

If it stalls

  • If they repeat it to get a reaction, give a boring one: "Okay. Want a snack?" A calm, flat answer usually ends the game.
  • If it keeps happening, don't make your kid the problem. Message your co-parent once, calmly, about how it's affecting the kids. A family therapist or your kid's doctor can help too.
Times you stayed calm and didn't badmouth back
Signed off: can do this.Signed by Date