A week of “when-then”: calm limits that stick
“When the shoes are on, then we go.” A when-then puts the order of things in plain words, with no threat and no yelling. Run it for one week on three daily sticking points and see which ones get easier.
- Time
- 10 min a day
- Cost
- $0
- Ages
- 2 to 8
- Where
- Around the house
What you need
- A sheet of paper for a week chart
- A pen
- Tape or a fridge magnet
Before you start
- No spanking and no yelling to make a when-then stick. Calm and a little boring works better.
- Safety rules aren't when-thens. Car seats, holding hands in the parking lot, the stove: those happen every time, no bargaining.
- Never make food, sleep or affection the “then.” Use ordinary next things: going outside, the next game, screen time.
- If meltdowns seem very frequent or intense, or you're worried about any behavior, talk with your pediatrician.
Steps
- Pick three sticking points. Pick three daily battles and write a when-then for each, using something that happens next anyway.
- Get close, then say it once. Get close at eye level and say the when-then once, calmly, saying what to do.
- Wait, and offer two choices. Wait ten seconds without repeating, then offer two choices that both lead to yes.
- Follow through, both ways. If they do it, the “then” happens right away with praise. If not, it waits calmly.
- Same three, every day. Use the same three when-thens daily for a week and check off each one done without repeating.
- Look back on day seven. Review the chart together, keep what works, and swap in one new sticking point.
If it stalls
- If they melt down when the “then” waits, stay calm and close and keep it boring. The limit stands; they don't need a speech.
- If you hear yourself saying it three times, stop, get closer, and say it once more at eye level. Then wait.
Days in a row with no repeats
Signed off: can do this.Signed by Date